Profiled at Walmart

I’m being profiled at Wal-Mart. I am sure of it. Should I contact the ACLU or AARP? Perhaps I can rely on my own legal expertise. See if you think I’m being paranoid.

My bags are never checked when I leave Wal-Mart. No matter how many bags or who I am with, I leave the unlucky recipient of a smile and a polite, “Have a nice day.” What’s a guy have to do to get a thorough check out?  It’s embarrassing when the mom with five kids in front of me has every bag checked while the kids scream. I cringe when the old couple behind me is frisked. That one may be an exaggeration, but not by much.

Why me? I have some theories:

I am old. I am 69. Perhaps the Wal-Mart profile includes notices that older folks are more trustworthy. NOT TRUE. Ever play cards with an old person? Ever hear their stories about walking 5 miles to school in the snow, both ways uphill in South Louisiana. Old folks are not more trustworthy.  Besides they have motivation. Most are trying to live on social security. That will make you want to slip a little something extra into your shopping bag.  Besides, old folks should be made to spend as much time as possible in the store. Our lives are not that exciting and we have plenty of time on our hands. It would be great to tell the kids about how we got harassed at Wal-Mart. Give us a break. 

I am a Christian, full of the Holy Spirit. Can’t be that.  Sadly Christians are NOT always trustworthy and how would they know. Wal-Mart is a megastore, not a mega church. They wouldn’t recognize the Holy Spirit if tongues of fire sat on top of every register. 

I look honest. Really? check the picture. I’ve seen more comforting mugs in the post office.

I am a lawyer. Really? Every store should frisk every lawyer every time. Besides, I don’t go to Wal-Mart dressed like a lawyer. Again, look at the picture.

I am frightening. This might be it. Again look at the picture. 

All I can say is that if you see a guy that looks like the picture at Wal-Mart. Watch him carefully. He’s probably ripping them off with full knowledge he’ll never get caught and that even if he is, a life sentence isn’t that daunting anymore.