Marriage Myths

On Sunday I had the honor of officiating at the marriage of my grand daughter. 

Here’s the essence of the message I delivered.

On these occasions it’s traditional to talk about the nature of love. Recently I read a great definition: Love is acting in the best interest of another. Love isn’t a feeling or promise or emotion. It’s all about action, action that is completely non self-centered but rather focused on another person.

As much discussion as there is at weddings on love, I don’t think it’s a failure to understand love that trips up marriages. I think marriage problems are based on four myths about what marriage is all about. Here they are:

THE COMPLETION MYTH. You often hear those in love talking about how the loved one completes them or is their “everything” or their “better half.” While it’s certainly true that the marriage relationship is special and that God created us with a hole. It isn’t true that our spouse is suppose to fill that hole. God creates a need in each of us that only He can complete. It is a fatal mistake to expect our marriage partner to fill a need that only God is intended to complete. Make sure your relationship with God is right and don’t expect your mate to make up any lack.

THE CHANGE MYTH. Many marry with the idea that their mate isn’t perfect but that with proper guidance they can be made near perfect. Change is inevitable in marriage, but it’s a myth to believe that we can guide and direct that change in another person. God is the agent of change. Don’t enter marriage based on the idea that you can make your partner something he or she isn’t to start with. Even more, remember that your partner won’t always be who he or she is now. He will change and, with God’s help, that change will be for the better and part of the great adventure that is marriage.

THE COMMUNICATION MYTH. We all know that communication is essential to a good marriage. Yet we often operate with myths about communication between marriage partners. We hear folks say things like: “We don’t have to speak. We know what each other is thinking.” That may come about after decades of marriage but for most of our marriage life we need words. We need to speak, but even more importantly we need to listen. We also hear couples say, “I can tell her anything.” Just  because we can say something doesn’t mean we should. Never forget that no one can hurt us like someone we really love. Talk to each other, but be very careful and loving in what we say and how we say it.

THE CONTEMPORARY MYTH. The idea is circulating that marriage is okay as long as we don’t expect it to be like marriage in the past. We think modern marriage should have less commitment and be of indeterminate duration. The best marriages are based on old fashioned values. Marriage is for ever. I believe that but I only have definite proof that it lasts at least 43 years. That’s how long I’ve been marriage. I know that for at least that long there is one person you look for when you walk into a room. There is one voice you want to hear when you pick up the phone. There is one person you have to tell the funny story or the good new you just heard. When you awake at night from a nightmare in a cold sweat, there is one person you want to be there when you reach out for a human touch. Marriage is hard work and filled with tough times, but it’s totally worth it.

Be blessed.

Nick