Love More Than You Love Yourself – Today

I attend three different men’s groups, some more often than others. The one I meet on Tuesday mornings is one of my favorites because the men are so open and honest. Maybe for the same reason, it is the one I attend the least. (That will preach at a different time and place.) This week the discussion was about relationships and, of course, marriage came up. The pastor began asking how long some of us have been married. A cold chill ran through me. One look around and I knew I had at least 20 years on anyone else. Next May I will have been married for fifty years and, yes, to the same woman. I knew where this discussion was headed. He that has been married the longest would eventually be asked, “How do you do it?”

I scanned my memory banks for clever responses; separate bedrooms, lots of wine, separate vacations, hearing aids with off switches. When the question eventually came, as I knew it would, I heard myself say, “You have to love her more than you love yourself.” The response in the room and even my own response at my own words, confirmed that they were truth but truth perhaps too heavy and too hard for even an open and honest discussion. 

Trust me I can not say that every day I appear to be loving anyone, even my bride of fifty years, more than I love myself. Even Jesus said “love your neighbor as yourself” not “more than yourself.” But isn’t that your neighbor? Don’t we apply a higher standard to some, our spouses, our family, our life-long friends? 

Scan the pop culture and we are assured that we have to love ourselves first. You have heard it all. You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself, etc. Surely that’s true as far as it goes. 

But if real love isn’t putting someone in a higher place than ourselves, what good is it? A warm feeling isn’t enough. Smiles and pats on the head aren’t sufficient. Flowers and candy and cards written by someone else don’t seem enough. There has to be more.

I spoke up one other time during the morning session. The seeming impossibility of life-long commitment was being discussed. I found myself saying,” The challenge isn’t to commit for fifty years, it’s to commit for today. I recently had a growth removed from inside my skull. I think the surgeon may have left something good behind. It’s easy to say things like, “I love her. Didn’t I marry her?” “We will never part.” We are married forever.” Those feelings and thoughts are too general, too universal, too non-specific. The challenge is to love someone more than yourself today, when they said something that hurt you yesterday, when it seems that it’s always you doing the giving and the bending and the forgiving, when you are just too damn tired. 

Such love isn’t earned. It’s not a product of the labor that’s involved and there is labor involved. It’s a gift. God grants the grace to love like that. It may seem He doesn’t do it enough or maybe we just don’t see it enough. A gift that enormous requires an incredible response. 

Look around see the real love in your life. It may surprise  you. Don’t forget to notice there may be some who love you like that. There may be more love than you know. You may owe more response than you can imagine. Love more than you love yourself, today. It’s why you were created. It’s wonderful enough to make that creation the best thing God ever did.